Thanks to our dear friend, Sonya Dalrymple, who provided this space for me to find and share my voice. Back in 2014, we received what could have been devastating news, I was diagnosed with breast cancer type 3a, Er-, Pr-, HER2+. By the time I was diagnosed, it had already spread to my lymph nodes and we were facing some really dark choices. A cancer diagnosis is a rude awakening where you are thrust on a super scary rollercoaster ride with so many cliff hangers, too many changes and too many unknowns. It is not for the faint of heart.
Thankfully that was not the end of my story, nor was it the beginning. I am grateful for a friend who told me that ‘cancer does not define me,’ it was just something to fight -but completely separate from me.
Often, when we go through trials, we think to ourselves, ‘Well, God must be growing us for something big.’ At some point, I started shuddering in dread. For years, things had been hard, we’d gone through some massive hard times, how could it get any worse; the idea was preposterous and downright scary. If this was all in preparation of something bigger and harder, I did not want to be prepared. I tried to bury my head in the sand. Maybe if I wasn’t prepared, it wouldn’t come. One could hope!
The Lord would not let go of me. He continues to pop my illusions, giving me eyes to see and ears that hear. I sometimes still crave my bubble. After all, ignorance is bliss, right?
So we got through cancer, God carried us through every single step of the way; he upheld his promise, ‘This sickness will not end in death.’ and He was glorified in so many ways through out that fight and provided for us in unbelievable ways.
But now what?
I’ve watched family and friends fighting their own battles. Heart wrenching battles. Unbearable pain that has taken away my breath. I’ve witnessed so much loss. So much uncertainty. We live in an uncertain, and quite frankly -scary world.
How can I serve and give glory to God who governs a world like the one we live in? Why does he allow so much freaking pain? How?
It’s hard to put into words, how and why can I follow this unseen God. How can I even be so sure that there is a God?
For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities–his eternal power and divine nature–have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. Romans 1:20
It may sound cliche, but I know that God is God, he is bigger than all of our problems and these troubles we face. I see him everywhere, the more I do, the more I see him. Things may not look too great, there’s so many loose ends down here on earth and a shitload of pain, but I have seen enough of His faithfulness, his provision to know that he is real and He alone is worthy of our praise.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:17
The only thing I know to do is stand on his promises, he has promised never to leave us or forsake us, that NOTHING can separate us from His love. I have seen this to be true. In the darkest times, through the darkest and bleakest days, He was there. He has always been there. I do not always understand why he does the things he does, or allows certain things; after all, if I was in charge.. ha.. I shudder to think what I would do if I were in charge. Be thankful I am not. You and I can rest secure in the Father’s love and provision. All of his promises are yes and amen. I am willing to ride this roller coaster to the end. It’s going to be scary, there’s a lot of unknowns. But He is in control, so I will keep my seat. May he give me courage to even throw my hands up on the curves in utter abandonment and to count it as joy knowing he is in control.
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, ” says the Lord who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10