The Start Of Our Journey With Breast Cancer

This is my (Sarah’s) first official post. I am so grateful to Sonya and Don for setting this site up. I am grateful for the others who have set up the care calendar and who are providing food for my family.

I cherish the prayers, encouragement and scriptures that have been offered. So many of you have helped by passing on wisdom and physically coming to our aid. I cannot tell you how very loved and humbled we are by the outpouring of kindness shown to our family. There just are not enough words.

I thought I would take some time to bring everyone up to date. I realize that many of you do not know the story of how we discovered the breast cancer. I will start there.

I believe it was the end of February or beginning of March that I felt something in my breast. I have not been consistent with doing self breast exams, feeling something there gave me cause for concern. I called James in and had him feel it, I fully expected him to say it was nothing. When he didn’t my concern grew.

I was able to set an appointment with my gynecologist or rather her nurse practitioner for the next week. She gave me a full exam and really felt like it was a cyst. She sent me to ARA for a mammogram and ultra sound. After talking with a trusted wellness coach and doing my own research, I decided that I would not like to do the mammogram but went in for the ultrasound. I went in fully thinking it was a cyst and would soon be back to life as normal.

I was not prepared for the harassment I received for declining the mammogram. No one discussed my reasons with me  or even asked me why, they just talked at me. After the ultra sound the technician came in and told me it was definitely NOT a cyst and there was a questionable lymph node as well; they wanted to do a mammogram or a biopsy. I was floored. I did not feel confident in the mammogram and was not willing to do that. I left (a bit shakier than when I arrived) and went home to consider what the next step should be.

We decided on a thermography scan. It is an infrared scan that is used in alternate medicine and is an excellent tool for detecting irregularities and cancer years in advance of the mammogram. James came with me to this appointment, he had researched with me and we knew what we were hoping to see on this scan. To our great disappointment we saw the opposite.

At this point we just kind of felt like someone had punched us in the gut. We did not know what the next step should be. I was concerned about a biopsy and if it was cancer what the possible repercussions of poking around on it would be. My gynecologist called me. We had a heart to heart talk where I agreed to do a breast MRI and then as a follow up have a consultation with a surgeon. She was relieved, I was relieved to have direction that I felt okay with.

Long story short ,the MRI results  indicated cancer, the ultra sound report arrived in the mail, it said I was a category 4-Suspicious. I needed a dictionary to understand some of the wording, it did not give hope. Cancer did not feel right. I think we were in denial. At this point we had not told many people, and I was starting to feel like I was sneaking around, but at the same time did not want to give anyone cause to worry. Our kids knew we were going to appointments, but they thought we were seeking help with my fatigue issues because, before this lump appeared, I had seen a couple doctors about that issue. We decided we would go to the surgeon consultation  and see what he thought before telling closer friends and family.

Arriving at the surgeon’s office we were not impressed. The doctor did not know about our appointment (James overheard the nurse calling him) and our paperwork had some other person’s SS#, insurance ID and a different husband’s name and number but everything else was correct. We straightened that out and decided to wait and at least to meet the doctor. He was very kind although he talked a mile a minute. He downloaded way faster than we could process and there was a lot to download.  James had to ask him to slow down several times.

We realized as he was talking that he was referring to me as if I had cancer. James pinned him down several different ways asking for verification. He told us there was no way this wasn’t cancer. He felt even if the biopsy results came back negative, it would be a fluke, and he would want to retest. He said because of the size of my lump (2 in x1in x1in) that it was a stage 3.  We would need to wait for the biology of the biopsy to tell us the actual staging.

It felt like someone had sucked all the air out of the room. My body hurts reliving those moments. He wanted to do a biopsy right then in his office. Again we were floored. We were just supposed to be having a consultation about options. We asked him to give us a few minutes to process. He and the nurse left. We cried, we prayed and decided that being stuck in the unknown zone was not a good place to be. In order to have a plan we needed to have all the information.

We agreed to do the biopsy. I expected it to be a painless procedure. It wasn’t. It hurt. He had a hard time doing the lymph node biopsy, it wouldn’t hold still. I made the mistake of looking up as they were putting samples into the container. I am a bit squeamish when it comes to blood, this was not a good thing for me to see.

My breast was sore. We stopped at a grocery store and bought frozen bags of fruit to put on it.

I remember walking out of there with James in a fog and finally stating the obvious, “He just said we have cancer.” I had been eating super healthy since all this began. James overruled me and took me for a cheeseburger.

Afterwards, we drove to my in-law’s house (we had stayed the night there and the kids were there). They knew right away something was wrong. We took them to the back porch to tell them. My heart aches remembering. It was one of the HARDEST things I have had to do. I dreaded letting them know. I love these kids so much and the last thing I want to do is cause them worry or have them go through this hell. And yet,  I know I serve a good God and I have continually seen his grace even in this.

We cried, we tried to keep it positive but real. We hugged. It was overwhelming. Grace asked if we could pray. We prayed as a family and cried.

We went back in and told James’ parents who undoubtedly were worried as we had not told them what had happened at the surgeon’s office. Although I did not want to, I called my family and told each of them. Each call drained me. I was already tired and the emotions of doing this just sucked the last of my reserves. By the time I was done I did not have the heart to call my friends. I did not think I could stand it. Over the next week I told a few by emails, calls or texts. Each time left me emotionally wasted. I think I kind of just stopped telling.

Wednesday the report came in confirming that I had cancer in my breast and in my lymphs.

Even though we had expected this, it was crushing. James received the call. Because we have poor cell signal in our current housing he told me by text. I was able to connect with him for a short conversation. I continued in my day, I had been homeschooling the kids when the call came. Within an hour James drove up. I wasn’t surprised. He was pretty wrecked. His boss had told him to go home, to get out of there and not to come back that week. We hugged. We cried. We prayed. We cried. We continued with our day.

Thursday we went to see the oncologist. I went in expecting and hoping I could get a mastectomy to surgically remove the tumor and avoid chemo. She told me the exact opposite. She wants me to start chemo for 5 months, follow up with another drug for 12 weeks and then do a mastectomy. To do otherwise gives me a poor chance of surviving or being alive in 10 years. That without this option the cancer would come back and at that point would be terminal. I cried. I did not have words. I know what chemo does to people, I know that I have been fighting fatigue for a long time and I don’t see how my body can hold up to chemo. It sounds barbaric to kill my good and bad cells to put my immune system at such a risk.. I could go on and on..

We were reeling. Okay beyond reeling. I could not walk down the stairs without breaking down and sobbing. My whole world was shaken.

That evening I went in for a brain MRI. As part of the staging process the oncologist had us do some additional tests to make sure the cancer has not spread to other parts of my body. Thankfully the brain MRI showed the all clear. She also took additional lab work. Thankfully my CA (tumor marker) levels came back low. We look forward to discussing this with the oncologist we meet with next to understand what this means.

James made an executive decision that we needed to go away for a few days. Due to the kindness of his company who gave him a week off we were able to clear our schedule. We left Saturday morning for the coast. We fished, we played some games, we walked to the local dock, we went to an island beach and collected sea shells, we walked and fished. We did not discuss the cancer much. Although I cannot say it was far away from our thoughts. We rested and tried to soak each other up as much as possible. Tuesday we returned home to face our new reality.

Wednesday I went in for a PET scan. When I walked into the South Austin Oncology Lobby I was overwhelmed, it was scary feeling and I kept thinking, “I don’t belong here, how did we get here?” I remember having similar feelings when we ended up in an infusion room for Grace (2009). Those of you who have been through similar things probably know what I am talking about. It is like being dropped in to a weird twilight zone.

While we were there James started praying for the people surrounding us. There seemed like so many. As he was praying an older lady dressed in bright yellow and a big smile came over and started talking with us. She told us her story and said she prayed a lot and figured if “God had brought her to it he would bring her through it.”  She had a somewhat speedy recovery (4 mo) and  was there doing follow up stuff. She told me to trust in God. Several times she reached over touched me and said, “Trust in God, he loves you. You’re going to be okay.”

Thursday we still had James home, so he attended what would be a normal homeschool day for us. It has been comforting to have him with us. He has handled phone calls, texts, emails and research along with taking care of the family.

Friday we went to San Marcos for an echogram. It was an easy procedure. We are waiting on the results. The chemo they want to give me has a rare side effect that effects the heart. So they make sure your heart is healthy and check it periodically through out treatment.

We had time in-between this appointment and our afternoon Chemo Meet. I rested, and I think may have actually slept a bit which is unusual for me. I have been extra tired, I am assuming the  regular tired mixed with the emotional strain of this is making me more tired.

There was a mix up when we signed in and we sat there for a while before we realized we had missed a call from the doctor’s office saying we had missed our appointment. James went to talk with the receptionist and after a bit of effort, they were able to get us in about an hour after our appointment.

The nurse we met with was kind, and she took her time, she stayed with us till after 6 going over everything. It was a lot of information to process. I think she downplayed some of the side effects. Because of my age and some other factors I am more likely to not have some of them at all. The rare side effects are scary. The possibility of being nauseous and vomiting freaks me out. I have never handled that well. The possibility and high probability of being fatigued on top of my normal fatigue also worries me. The increased risk of me getting an infection while my cell count is down, there are no words. This all sounds so barbaric to voluntarily put yourself through this. But on the other hand there’s my aggressive cancer that if left untreated ends in pain and death. I have yet to find an alternative means to treat aggressive breast cancer that I feel confident in.

I am taking a lot of supplements, eating mostly green organic vegetables and have added organic meat back in but way less than I had been eating. I am getting adequate protein from the green vitamin drink, lentils, protein drink, nuts and meat. Adequate protein is a big part of repairing, and I will need it going forward. However, I have learned with the help of a NaturePath we are working with that I am not digesting well. This makes a lot of sense when you consider some of my other symptoms. She is working with me to fix this. I need to be able to digest and process my foods so that I am getting proper nourishment.

That pretty much brings you up to date on the physical aspect of our journey. But what is harder to convey in all of that is how God’s presence has been with us every single step. If you will bear with me, I will work on posting about that next. There is something greater happening than the cancer. It will be a harder post for me to write because it will expose my heart more. I am willing to do this because I know that God is working and will be glorified. It is a vulnerable place to be.

I cherish your prayers, your friendship and support. Thank you so very much for loving my family, for loving me. We are feeling it.