I have been feeling like I have reached the challenging part of my marathon; the place in the run when you start wondering what you signed up for and how the heck you’re going to finish. Your legs start to shake, they feel like boards or rocks; your’e tired, hungry, thirsty, discouraged as you look upon the long stretch left before you…
I have never actually run a marathon but I have cheered friends through several. Being a spectator and a friend I have been privileged to witness their struggle; somewhere around mile 16-17 we always start wondering what drives all these crazy runners onward. We’ve questioned their saneness a time or two! 🙂
It is always exhilarating to witness their completion; the emotional and physical triumph as they cross the finish line is palatable and somewhat contagious. You walk away intoxicated, sharing in their sense of accomplishment, wondering if maybe you, too should sign up for a marathon.
I have never followed through, I have not been convinced to put in the work of training and then running a marathon.
Yet, I have unwillingly found myself on my own private, different kind of marathon. I caught myself wondering, in the wee hours, the other morning, “How the heck did we get here? How did we get cancer, how did I end up bald and going through all this? How?!”
I have been struggling through some emotional parts of this stupid disease. Wondering, did God give it? If so, why? He is a good God, all of the time. This has been on continual loop in my heart. How to reconcile this with whether he gave this, allowed it or what? Several scriptures have been given to me and I still do not have a conclusion.
Full understanding is evasive.. I have never cared before whether he gave something bad or not because I have always known that He has to be glorified no matter what, so even if something looks bad to my immature eyes, if Satan meant it for bad, God would make it good. I’ve seen this time and time again which, maybe, makes it easier.
But recently I’ve been struck by the thought if he is a good God and I know he is, did he send this, or allow it? I don’t think he sent it because I don’t think he sends bad and cancer is evil. I know Him to be a loving God. I am clinging to that Truth. I don’t understand this bad but I know He will be glorified, has been glorified and will bring good out of it. So much good.
I am encouraged by that; encouraged because I see and have tasted His goodness. I am a witness to him cushioning me on this marathon, carrying me when I don’t feel like I can go another step. Providing for my needs before I can even ask.
As I was writing the above blog post an email from a dear mentor and friend of mine came in, I have to share it with you because it blew my mind! How we could be on the same page (I had only discussed this with James) is beyond my human comprehension! Things like this are happening regularly and are such an encouragement to me. God is with me. If only I have the eyes to see, may He continue opening them and may He open your eyes to His loving goodness, to his faithfulness.
Email:
But I don’t place any value on my own life. I want to finish the race I’m running. I want to carry out the mission I received from the Lord Yeshua—the mission of testifying to the Good News of God’s kindness. Acts 20:33-25
You are not alone in this race Sarah. We are all cheering you on to the finish line and beyond for His glory! Keep the faith, carry on whatever carry on looks for you today–lots of rest, pampering yourself?
Leslee says
You are running a good race, Beloved. And your friend is right! Just as have supported and cheered on so many others, now you are carried, cheered and comforted.
What beautiful little kisses from a loving Father!
Been reading a great book on suffering…Tullian Tchividian Glorious Ruin. He reminds me that a god of works is measured by the good, the bad, the suffering, the healing but the God of the Gospel, Jesus, is WITH us IN our suffering. Running the race with us. Never leaving our side or removing the shoes of gold that cause us to fly! May you continue to fly, sweet Sister.