Our hearts are heavy. We met with a Radiologist Oncologist. We went in expecting it to be an in and out visit; he was supposed to be awed by how great I had responded to treatment and send us on our merry way (Can you picture naive Pollyanna dancing around?).
Um, no. Enter harsh reality.
He did agree that I have responded well to treatment. However, after examining me, he told us that the tumor was still there. We were completely surprised and dismayed to hear this but he showed us, we could feel it. He did concede, after James told him our oncologist said it was gone, that it is possible that it could be damaged tissue from the tumor. But it is in the exact spot and shape of the tumor so it is highly suspicious.
He went over our pathology report with us and drew some pictures so we could better understand what was going on. He also showed us some illustrations from a book. I would say we have unveiled another layer of understanding this thing.
I wanted to scream.
I think I have been downplaying the seriousness of it, in my mind we had already whipped it; I have been ready to move on (sweet Pollyanna). This meeting was a major downer. We learned a bit more about how aggressive this cancer is; the fact that it had broken out of the ducts and had spread to the lymph nodes does not speak kindly of the cancer. The characteristics of the cancer are not friendly, they do not look like the original cell much. They’ve distorted at an alarming rate.
Stupid cancer. My body is not a play ground for their antics, it is not home for them.
Now, we have to draw back and make a new game plan. One that looks like it may include radiation.
My heart sinks at this news. I’ve hoped to avoid this altogether. He wants us to do 33 treatments, 5 days a week for 6 weeks.
It sounds horrible.
I wish I was a baby and could sit down and have a good ol’ fashioned temper tantrum and cry, “I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna!”
Unfortunately that would not really help, would it. Maybe? Nah. Darn.
He thinks I should stay the course with chemo, and given that the tumor or some semblance of it is still there I am inclined to agree.
We are compiling a list of new questions for the Oncologist. We see him on the 17th for my next chemo session.
We have a couple appointments before the next chemo; hopefully they will paint a fuller picture so that we have all the information going forward.
Our hearts are heavy, this wasn’t what we had hoped for. But God is with us. He is still carrying me, carrying my family. He is faithful, He is unchanging. I only see part of the picture, He sees it all and He has a plan. I can rest in that. We were assured in the beginning that He would heal me, that this disease would not end in death.
The way we’ve been living is so foreign to me. It is a daily reliance on God’s provision. I feel like we are learning to live on daily bread. He has given us manna for each day.
Yet, I still find myself struggling. I am more like the Israelites than I care to admit. Even dining on the manna and quail, I still find myself wondering about tomorrow’s woes.
How dare I?! Am I really so stubborn? May God give me a new faith. I am grateful he is patient with me.
Teddie says
Loving you, sweet Sarah. Praying for you and your dear family!
Gracie says
I love you so much Mommy. We will get though this, I feel it in my bones. I’m praying for you.
Gracie says
Yes, ma’am- we will!
I love you to the moon and back!