The Lifter of My Head

At the beginning of the summer, I was privileged to attend the birth of our newest family member, the 12th grandchild on my side, a precious girl. The Lord upheld me, and being able to witness her birth was such a sweet gift to me. Her birth was fast and furious, and my sister did awesome! To say we are thrilled, is an understatement.

The week after her memorable birth, the kids and I set off for our annual Summer Camp. We’ve grown to love this special group of people. Attending is one of the highlights of our summers, and we’ve made many precious memories. The Lord was merciful to me and upheld me. I was grateful to participate in ways I had not anticipated. It was a precious blessing to me, and added much joy to my heart.

The week following camp brought disappointment as I watched my energy levels dwindle.

Going through treatments, I expected to be sick, to not have energy. I did not expect for that to linger past treatments. It was unrealistic, perhaps, but no one really prepares you for this phase. It is a different kind of hard, and I have found it challenging to navigate.

I tend to push my limits while I have energy, knowing that it could go away without notice. But, this can cost me much in the way of recovery. When my energy remains low, it is much more challenging to guard my emotions. It is also during those times that His grace is needed, and appreciated all the more.

These last months, I have not written on here as much. How, and what do you write when things are just plain hard? To share this part has felt too vulnerable, and too heavy. When someone asks how I am doing, it is hard to explain. My typical reply that I am okay, but still really tired is naturally met with, “Why?”

I have to take a step back to consider “why” myself. The underlying and often unvoiced expectation is that once treatments are done, you are done with being sick and are better. But the reality is that my body has to rebuild from what I have been through, and it is not always easy. I am better than I have been all year, but it is evident that I still have a lot of healing to do. Always overshadowing my mending has been my dreaded surgery. It feels like another horrible obstacle to get through, a significant detour on my road to healing. It is the final “to do” of this cancer journey before I can finally really re-build and move on.

I’m continually reminded to release false expectations and old habits. I am learning to let go of what doesn’t matter, so that I can focus on the important. This is mostly a trial and error process, much wisdom is required as I sift through to discern what is needed from that which isn’t, to find what is essential.

Much has changed since being diagnosed. I have changed. Life is different. We’ve adopted the phrase, “The new normal.” At times this makes me cringe, because I still grieve some of that which has been lost. The flip side is that much good has happened.

As I said, these last few months have been a different kind of hard. It is the part of fighting cancer that few seem to know about, or discuss. I think few, unless you’ve been here, really understand.

However, no matter how hard it has been, He has been the lifter of my head. Again, and again I have seen him sustain me, carry me through and meet our needs. It doesn’t always look the way I want or expect, but His ways are not our ways. His beauty and grace abounds. And, somehow, we make it. There is always sufficient grace to carry me -us- through.

I wish I would remember to always look to the Lord for help and guidance. He never fails.

Psalm 3

O Lord, how many are my foes!
How many rise u against me!
Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”
But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,

And he answers me from his holy hill.
I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn against me on every side,
Arise, O Lord!
Deliver me, O My God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
From the Lord comes deliverance.
May your blessing be upon your people.