I feel like I have worn out that word, hard.
Rebuilding over this last year has been hard.
Hard was so last year. How can I still be sifting through this same hard stuff?
In my quest to rebuild, I catch myself gazing backwards, reliving some of the harder moments, grieving different losses.
I want to forget what lays behind me, and press on towards the goal. Figuring out what that goal is and letting go of the pain is easier to say than to do.
Life is hard and full of pain each and every day. Yet there is also so much glory. Even in our sufferings, there is good. There is redemption. Sadly, sometimes our eyes and ears are blind and deaf to seeing and hearing his glory.
Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”
May we not be afraid of the everyday hard, the scary hard, or the painful hard, because even in our suffering, in all our horribly hard moments, He is there! He is always bringing about good, revealing His glory to those who have eyes to see.
May He give us courage to walk the road He gives, to not be afraid but to bravely conquer our fears because we trust in a Savior who has already won the victory.
So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Unexpectedly, I caught sight of purple buds beginning to bloom. And, my heart lifted.
Not long after, I spotted two Mountain Laurels in FULL BLOOM! All around me, dead things are coming alive. All of a sudden, fresh green foliage is everywhere. Wildflowers are popping up; there are now Bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrushes turning the ground blue and red! For those of you not from Texas, this officially means spring is here!
Yes, without realizing it, spring came!
Spring always comes.
And, all of a sudden, I am realizing that I am not as fragile as I once was.
I still pray daily for the Lord to sustain me, but my prayers don’t feel quite as desperate as they once were.
And, for the first time in a long time, I am dreaming and hoping.
Jessiah has caught me doing some silly things here and there; she watches me more than I realize. Grinning at me, she comments, “You’re so cute, Mom.”
She and James converse as if I wasn’t even there. Surprised, Jessiah exclaims that she hasn’t noticed me doing these things before. James agrees, stating that I have pep in my step that hasn’t been there in a while.
Hasn’t been there for a long, long while. With a painful heart sigh, I realize, not for the first time, that my kids probably have forgotten the fun side of their mom. They’ve witnessed me in survival mode for way too long.
In a lot of ways it has been a long and sad winter. I have wasted many tears desperately wondering if I would ever be ‘normal’, if I would ever have energy again.
Spring is my favorite season. I love seeing the vibrant colors after so many months of brown and gray. It’s a reminder of renewal, rebirth… It’s a reminder that He makes all things new. All things clean. Ahhh. It’s refreshing and beautiful and gives me hope.
Spring always comes.
This time last year, I was still struggling quite a bit. While I’m definitely not 100%, I still have some hard days and moments, I am doing better. I am. I may still be walking with baby steps, but slow progress is progress.
I feel hopeful. God is doing some new things in our hearts, and in our lives. For the first time in a very long time, our world – my world – feels like it’s growing, not shriveling.
I am grateful. I’m excited for this season of newness, to seeing what God is doing. I am hopeful that he will breathe new life where previously there have been ugly and stagnant things.
I bet this spring will quickly turn into one of our infamous Texas summers with 100+ weather. We do live in Texas, y’all! —- But this brief respite from the ugliness of winter and the too hot summer is a gift, a breath of fresh air. It holds promise of things to come, and my heart is made glad.
Breathe deep, y’all, breathe deep!