Sarah Denman

A friend came over with her daughter who hadn’t seen me in a while. About mid way into our visit, her daughter paused to ask, “Wait, is that your wig, or are you growing hair?!”

We all busted up laughing, she quickly excused herself before we had a chance to answer.

While we were all saying our goodbyes, I caught her eyeballing my hair line but trying not to be too obvious about it. I asked her, “Are you still trying to figure out if it’s real?”

She nodded. I couldn’t help laughing as I confirmed ownership for this mop of hair growing on top of my head!

Today’s surgery is the beginning of a new battle but marks the end of the last.

It has been a year and 3 months since Sarah started treatment and about 7 months since her last treatment. There are so many phases to this journey.

It is more like a decathlon than a marathon. Imagine being signed up for such an event with no knowledge of what it would cost or what you would be required to endure. Each treatment has its challenges, each phase its decisions to make.

There was a person at the begining of this journey that told us our friends would tire in the support of us. That she would pick up where they left off. I didn’t understand what it was going to take to get through this. I couldn’t argue and also thought that this was a reasonable assumption.

Truth is we all tire, Sarah most of all.

But as I sit here waiting on the finish of another surgery, I am humbled by the amount of love we have recieved by our friends and family. At the begining, a close friend of mine said he had remembered the vision painted for us in the bible of Moses having his arms raised by Aaron and Hur. He said he would pray for me that I may be able to help Sarah through this battle.

Truly it has been the absolute truth that we have been carried by our brothers and sisters in Christ. You all are giants! Praying and winning this battle in the spirit. You haven’t waivered when tired, but stepped up when the need was small and great alike. We have lived upon your words of encouragement, food and service. This journey has taught me what the church, the body of Christ should be like.

I thank you all. I pray often that The Lord meets your need just as you have meet our needs.

The day of my pre-op appointment started out ordinary enough. The plan was for me to drop James off for a procedure, go to my appointment and swing by to pick him up, and go home. Easy enough, right?

Plans changed. James came home sick, so he had to cancel his procedure, and he spent the rest of the day in bed with a fever. I left home frazzled and running late. I spent too much time trying to decide which car to take. I don’t like driving his truck, but my van doesn’t have AC right now. I finally decided to take my van, but in my hurry to leave, I forgot my phone.

Yikes, this was a problem, since I needed info stored on it to complete some errands. As soon as I made it to my appointment, I sought out a land line. For those of you of the younger generation, this is a phone attached to a wall. In my day they were readily available, but in this time of cell phones, they are a rare sighting. Thankfully, the waiting room had one, and after entering several weird codes, I finally succeeded in placing a call to James. The whole thing was rather awkward as the phone was stuck in a corner, right next to a lady. She was gracious, once she realized what I was doing, she moved to another chair. It took two calls to gather the needed info!

My actual appointment went well, and I was deemed ready for surgery. Actually, they told me how healthy I am. The nurse’s exact comment was, “I feel like I’ve missed something, this was too easy.” I’ve grown used to such remarks, I usually respond with, “Yes, except for the cancer.” It is still a mystery as to why I had cancer. I have to let go of the want to know why.

After driving around without an AC in the afternoon heat, I decided it was worth it to swing by home to exchange cars and get my phone. As soon as I drove off, I realized his truck was low on gas. I have never filled his truck up, so this would be a new experience for me, because it took diesel. I was watching the needle, it seemed to be holding fine, so I thought I could stretch it a bit more. I wanted to go to my preferred gas station, which was just a bit further. It seemed logical at the time.

Until, it wasn’t.

I found myself stranded on the side of the road, I was barely able to pull into a construction lane.There I sat with sweat pouring down my face, in the heat with no shade or AC, with a husband at home in bed with a fever.

What to do? I called an old friend who lived just around the corner. Without hesitation, even though he did not have a diesel gas can, he said he would figure it out and come. Did you know you had to have a special can for diesel? Oh, and it’s not a good thing for a diesel truck to run out of gas.

I climbed out of the hot truck to seek out the teeny bit of shade I spied near by. I sat down to wait. Before I knew it, I was receiving a call from another friend, I answered, thinking she was calling to rib me. She wasn’t, she was the one who had the diesel cans and was coming to rescue me! Of course, I should have thought to call her!

She asked me a bunch of questions, but after I uttered enough confused “whats”, she stopped asking. My first friend showed up to wait with me, we had a good conversation on the side of the road while we waited. Before long, my girlfriend showed up exclaiming, “You know, if you wanted to see me, we could have met for lunch!” I agreed, that would have been much better!

They put enough in to get me running up, and I learned that if a diesel runs out of gas, you have to prime the engine first, and sometimes that doesn’t work. Thankfully, in our case it did, thank you, Jesus! They decided to escort me to the nearest gas station. There I was with my own private entourage, but before we could even pull out of the construction lane, the truck in front of me lost part of his load, which was a huge filing cabinet. This thing had five drawers, and was super HEAVY. Somehow we managed to get it back onto the truck.

We laughed, never a dull moment!

When we pulled into the gas station, my girlfriend pointed out the diesel pumps for me. Stinker! I knew they were the green handled ones! Duh! James had just informed me of this! Ha! Much later than I anticipated, I arrived home. I was stinkier and sweatier than I would have been had I just stayed with my non-ac van, but at least I enjoyed the AC on the ride home.

I am so grateful for friends who were gracious and kind to me. They did not scold me, or mock me one bit, even though I deserved it. Instead, they sincerely thanked me for calling them. Isn’t that sweet? I drag them out in the afternoon heat to work on my car, because I was irresponsible and did not get gas when I should have, and they thank me. That is mercy.

Proverbs 27:10
Do not forsake your friend, and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you –
better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.

Our date to move out seemed to come really fast. We opted to move out a month before our lease was up, so we could get settled before my surgery, and so that I would not have to navigate stairs. We put a lot of prayer and consideration into this move, and James was diligent in researching and trying to find us a place.

We considered staying in our apartment, but the family concensus was to move. Not only for the reasons already mentioned, but ultimately living in the apartment was really challenging. Our first neighbors were not at all gracious with our noise, to the point that we felt like we had to tip toe around so as to not disturb them. It was very stressful, and tainted an otherwise happy space. The 2nd neighbors were more gracious, but we couldn’t help but wonder if our daily living was a constant irritation to them as well. Worrying about that was a huge stresser for me. It was a good prompt in considering others before ourselves.

I packed boxes as I had bouts of energy, which felt sporadic. My sister came to help, and stayed a few days. She got us to the point of just having all the last minute stuff left to pack, the stuff that could not be sealed in a box until the actual day of our move. I was really grateful, because even though I had made progress, there was still a lot of stuff left, and I was running out of steam. The added benefit was that we got to hang with the nephews for a few days!

James was way too enthused about this move, he woke up the Friday before the scheduled day to move, looked around the apartment and decided he needed to stay home to help. He woke me with singing, and dancing. Yes. He did. And, yes, it was super annoying. He didn’t even bring coffee to ease the pain and suffering of this. Yes, I gave him grief over this, as did each of the kids. We all thought he was a complete nut.

In hindsight, I was really grateful for the tone he set, and that he had the foresight to start a day early. With the help of some friends, he got a lot done giving us a great jump start for the actual moving day.

I would like to mention that the same friends who have already moved us, at least twice, if not more came and helped us with this move. It would be totally legit for them to question whether they wanted to remain friends with us after one such endeavor, but two or more? Wow. I am fairly certain there was a comment made about the Beverly Hillbillies moving in. The person who mentioned this shall remain anonymous. Chris. Okay. There may be a sting of truth in that statement.

Even though we downsized two years ago when we sold our house, we also kept way more than I wish we would have. With each box our friends carried, each load they made, James and I cringed. Each time someone asked me, “Where should this go?” my heart seemed to shrivel some. It is grievous to our hearts that we have so much stuff. As we’ve sorted through all of our boxes of stuff we deemed worth keeping, we asked, “Why?!”

Why do we have so much stuff?

Our storage was full of stuff that we no longer need or want. We’ve outgrown most of it, or we don’t have room for it in our life anymore. I am happy to say that the majority of it has been sorted into a very big garage sale pile. It’s the last piddly stuff that is harder to part with.

I am really grateful for the help of above mentioned friends, my sister and brother-in-law. They knocked our move out. They emptied both the apartment, and our storage unit. They cleaned the entire apartment, and helped set up our new house so that it is livable, and feels like a home. All I have left to tackle are my large collection of books, and photos. If I really wanted to, I could shove that stuff away somewhere and forget about it. However, I am resolved to leave it within eyesight until I face each and every item and decide to keep it or get rid of it.

There is a saying that everything you own owns you. It is as if there is an invisible string attached to you and every single item you own. EVERY. SINGLE. ITEM. The visual this brings to my mind is of a helpless puppet being ruled by all the stuff. How gross. It is not how I want to live. I do not want to be owned by my stuff. However, I am wrestling with my internal pack rat, who is begging me to keep all the stuff. You know, just in case. Ugh.

Please pray that we would have discernment as we sort. My heart wants to live more simply, and not bear the weight of all this stuff anymore.

May His Truth win over this one!

Matthew 6:19-21
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, wehere moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

I am scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 5 am, this Tuesday the 28th of July. My actual surgery is blocked for 7-4 pm, though we hope that I will not be under that long.

James will plan to send an update out, but it will likely not post until the following day or so.

We covet your prayers leading up to, and throughout the surgery and my recovery.
My surgeon’s name is Doctor Potter. Please pray that the Lord will work through her hands.

Please pray as the Lord leads for James, he will have the hardest job of waiting.

Encouragement or inquiries may be sent to James at: (512) 627.2126. I am certain they will be well received and appreciated as he waits.

At the beginning of the summer, I was privileged to attend the birth of our newest family member, the 12th grandchild on my side, a precious girl. The Lord upheld me, and being able to witness her birth was such a sweet gift to me. Her birth was fast and furious, and my sister did awesome! To say we are thrilled, is an understatement.

The week after her memorable birth, the kids and I set off for our annual Summer Camp. We’ve grown to love this special group of people. Attending is one of the highlights of our summers, and we’ve made many precious memories. The Lord was merciful to me and upheld me. I was grateful to participate in ways I had not anticipated. It was a precious blessing to me, and added much joy to my heart.

The week following camp brought disappointment as I watched my energy levels dwindle.

Going through treatments, I expected to be sick, to not have energy. I did not expect for that to linger past treatments. It was unrealistic, perhaps, but no one really prepares you for this phase. It is a different kind of hard, and I have found it challenging to navigate.

I tend to push my limits while I have energy, knowing that it could go away without notice. But, this can cost me much in the way of recovery. When my energy remains low, it is much more challenging to guard my emotions. It is also during those times that His grace is needed, and appreciated all the more.

These last months, I have not written on here as much. How, and what do you write when things are just plain hard? To share this part has felt too vulnerable, and too heavy. When someone asks how I am doing, it is hard to explain. My typical reply that I am okay, but still really tired is naturally met with, “Why?”

I have to take a step back to consider “why” myself. The underlying and often unvoiced expectation is that once treatments are done, you are done with being sick and are better. But the reality is that my body has to rebuild from what I have been through, and it is not always easy. I am better than I have been all year, but it is evident that I still have a lot of healing to do. Always overshadowing my mending has been my dreaded surgery. It feels like another horrible obstacle to get through, a significant detour on my road to healing. It is the final “to do” of this cancer journey before I can finally really re-build and move on.

I’m continually reminded to release false expectations and old habits. I am learning to let go of what doesn’t matter, so that I can focus on the important. This is mostly a trial and error process, much wisdom is required as I sift through to discern what is needed from that which isn’t, to find what is essential.

Much has changed since being diagnosed. I have changed. Life is different. We’ve adopted the phrase, “The new normal.” At times this makes me cringe, because I still grieve some of that which has been lost. The flip side is that much good has happened.

As I said, these last few months have been a different kind of hard. It is the part of fighting cancer that few seem to know about, or discuss. I think few, unless you’ve been here, really understand.

However, no matter how hard it has been, He has been the lifter of my head. Again, and again I have seen him sustain me, carry me through and meet our needs. It doesn’t always look the way I want or expect, but His ways are not our ways. His beauty and grace abounds. And, somehow, we make it. There is always sufficient grace to carry me -us- through.

I wish I would remember to always look to the Lord for help and guidance. He never fails.

Psalm 3

O Lord, how many are my foes!
How many rise u against me!
Many are saying of me,
“God will not deliver him.”
But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,

And he answers me from his holy hill.
I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn against me on every side,
Arise, O Lord!
Deliver me, O My God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
From the Lord comes deliverance.
May your blessing be upon your people.