Sarah Denman

My sweet nephew, baby Isaiah arrived yesterday weighing 6 lbs and 15 oz! He is beautiful! Yesterday was a bit of a rough day for him and my sister. After nursing for a good 30-45 minutes, he started grunting and had difficulty breathing, so they insisted on bringing him to NICU for observation. Liana remained nauseated most of the day, and unable to hold food down. 
Thankfully, they finally conceded to unite mama with Isaiah, and he did much better with skin to skin contact! He is 100% better today, he is breathing well and Mama is no longer throwing up! We are so grateful! Thank you for all of your prayers! He was with us and so merciful! He is a good God. 
While my sister recovers in the hospital, I am privileged to watch her boys, the proud big brothers. As I was cleaning my room this evening, I couldn’t help but smile listening to them giggle and growl and make all sorts of boy noises from the sanctuary of their homemade fort that’s taken over our entire living room. I’ve forgotten how fun and entertaining it is to have little people underfoot all day! They’ve brightened up our rainy indoor day considerably! 

We appreciate all of your kind words and prayers regarding the loss of my mom. The whole family is grieving, all in different ways. It has been lot to process, and we are slowly working through it. 

Isaiah 60:1

Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the lord rises upon you. 

Sarah 

Our mom went to be with Jesus on Good Friday of this year. It was an unexpected death, and in many ways, it has rocked our worlds. Our dad died ten years ago. I never realized that it was possible for adults to feel orphaned.

We all thought we would have more time, more warning to say good-bye. I suppose there’s never enough time. A dear friend has been talking with me about how we always feel like we have to have all our loose ends tied up before we die, but this is not so. I don’t think it is truly even possible. Even though things were left undone and feel unfinished, another friend has reminded me that it is not over, that we will meet again. In that reunion, things will be redeemed and restored.

My heart has found peace in this, in seeking and claiming his Truths as I wrestle through the grief of all the undone and unsaid. It is crazy how walls of sorrow can hit you at the most unexpected times. But his peace seeps in. I know that she sits with the Father, and she sees him face to face, something she was desperate to do. She now knows and is fully known. I can rejoice in the hope that one day, we will have restoration and healing.

It is funny how sadness and joy can be two heads of the same coin. As we grieve the loss of our mom, we are getting ready to welcome her thirteenth grandchild into our family. Knowing our Mom will not meet this baby brings much grief; she joyfully welcomed each of her grand babies, it is hard to reconcile her absence with this one’s arrival.

My sister chose the name Isaiah for this baby, based on the promise of Isaiah 40:31,

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.”

While this is a blessing and a promise for this new little one, I can’t help but think that it speaks of our mom as well. She was not well physically, her body was weak, but she had placed her hope in the Lord. I know that she is now healed and is no longer weary, but she is walking and running without growing weak.

In this promise, we can find comfort and hope, and yes, smile even while we grieve.

Romans 8

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We appreciate all of your prayers and kind support as we walk through this time. My nephew is scheduled to arrive by C-section today, Wednesday the 18th.

 

 

 

  
I actually went shopping in Target today. Not the run-in-and-grab-whatever-is-needed-super-quick shipping I usually do to conserve energy. But, I actually got to browse a little with Samuel. When we walked out of the store, much to my surprise, I wasn’t completely exhausted.

As an added bonus, I rode my bike with my family.

For the first time since we’ve lived in this area, I got to explore one of the trails my family has fallen in love with. As I trailed behind the four of them, my heart was light. I was actually on my bike, y’all!

With my family.

In the Spring.

On my bike.

The ground was cool and the air was crisp and fresh and so sweet. New buds were on everything. We even spied our first budding Dewberry plants! On the way back, we observed some low flying ducks. We talked to a neighbor who was gardening in his front yard and shared some onions with us.

It all felt so very….normal.

Can you hear my excitement? Do y’all understand how big this is?

It dawned on me that not everyone who goes through cancer gets to live to tell the tale. I do. And, I get to soak up these moments with my family.

My body is tired, but more of a normal tired. This has been a big day. I am very grateful and very humbled.

I may not be able to do this tomorrow, but today I went shopping and I rode my bike.

Thank you, Lord for sustaining me this day.

 

  
 

 

Hard.

I feel like I have worn out that word, hard.

Rebuilding over this last year has been hard.

Hard was so last year. How can I still be sifting through this same hard stuff?

 

In my quest to rebuild, I catch myself gazing backwards, reliving some of the harder moments, grieving different losses.

There’s no point in looking back; living in the past is a sure fire way to stay in a different kind of painful hard. Regrets and ‘what ifs’ serve no one, bring only pain.

I want to forget what lays behind me, and press on towards the goal. Figuring out what that goal is and letting go of the pain is easier to say than to do.

Life is hard and full of pain each and every day. Yet there is also so much glory. Even in our sufferings, there is good. There is redemption. Sadly, sometimes our eyes and ears are blind and deaf to seeing and hearing his glory.

Mark 4:9
Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

May we not be afraid of the everyday hard, the scary hard, or the painful hard, because even in our suffering, in all our horribly hard moments, He is there! He is always bringing about good, revealing His glory to those who have eyes to see.

May He give us courage to walk the road He gives, to not be afraid but to bravely conquer our fears because we trust in a Savior who has already won the victory.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

As I’ve been mending and trying to keep up, I failed to realize that spring was coming.

Unexpectedly, I caught sight of purple buds beginning to bloom. And, my heart lifted.

Not long after, I spotted two Mountain Laurels in FULL BLOOM! All around me, dead things are coming alive. All of a sudden, fresh green foliage is everywhere. Wildflowers are popping up; there are now Bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrushes turning the ground blue and red! For those of you not from Texas, this officially means spring is here!

Yes, without realizing it, spring came!

Spring always comes.

And, all of a sudden, I am realizing that I am not as fragile as I once was.

I still pray daily for the Lord to sustain me, but my prayers don’t feel quite as desperate as they once were.

And, for the first time in a long time, I am dreaming and hoping.

Jessiah has caught me doing some silly things here and there; she watches me more than I realize. Grinning at me, she comments, “You’re so cute, Mom.”

She and James converse as if I wasn’t even there. Surprised, Jessiah exclaims that she hasn’t noticed me doing these things before. James agrees, stating that I have pep in my step that hasn’t been there in a while.

Hasn’t been there for a long, long while. With a painful heart sigh, I realize, not for the first time, that my kids probably have forgotten the fun side of their mom. They’ve witnessed me in survival mode for way too long.

In a lot of ways it has been a long and sad winter. I have wasted many tears desperately wondering if I would ever be ‘normal’, if I would ever have energy again.

Spring is my favorite season. I love seeing the vibrant colors after so many months of brown and gray. It’s a reminder of renewal, rebirth… It’s a reminder that He makes all things new. All things clean. Ahhh. It’s refreshing and beautiful and gives me hope.

Spring always comes.

This time last year, I was still struggling quite a bit. While I’m definitely not 100%, I still have some hard days and moments, I am doing better. I am. I may still be walking with baby steps, but slow progress is progress.

I feel hopeful. God is doing some new things in our hearts, and in our lives. For the first time in a very long time, our world – my world – feels like it’s growing, not shriveling.

I am grateful. I’m excited for this season of newness, to seeing what God is doing. I am hopeful that he will breathe new life where previously there have been ugly and stagnant things.

I bet this spring will quickly turn into one of our infamous Texas summers with 100+ weather. We do live in Texas, y’all! —- But this brief respite from the ugliness of winter and the too hot summer is a gift, a breath of fresh air. It holds promise of things to come, and my heart is made glad.

Breathe deep, y’all, breathe deep!

Spring in Texas is here!

Isaiah 61:3

…and provide for those who grieve in Zion– to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Recently, someone asked me my age. My initial reaction was to claim 35, but I was quickly taken back to realize I will soon be 37! Thirty-seven?!! I was barely 35 when I was diagnosed with cancer, and these last two years flew by in a blur for me. In some ways, I feel cheated out of so much.

There have been countless changes, many good things, but also many losses.

Life kept going. My kids have grown and changed so much. They’ve blossomed and found new interests, new hobbies, new friends, and grown in independence.

These last few months, my heart has continually faced the losses, and it has been painfully hard. I know that people expect someone who survives cancer to be so grateful for their life, as if they got the winning lottery ticket or something. But the reality is, life after cancer is downright challenging. There are so many hurdles to overcome and many valleys of grief one still has to walk through. Life after treatment is just a different level of survival.

I am not quite back to normal. Far from it. Daily, I meet the most frustrating limitations, and it is easy to become really discouraged with how far I have to go. My energy has remained lower than I would like, which makes normal everyday life way more challenging than it should be. I had no idea that trying to step back into life would be so freakishly hard. I wasn’t expecting life not to fit me the same as it did before, for me not to fit. I miss me. I’ve talked with a few cancer survivors and was both dismayed and encouraged to realize I was not alone in these feelings.

Please do not get me wrong, I AM grateful to be alive. Very.

But this life is way different than what I expected. There is a lot to reconcile, and a multitude of losses to grieve. I have never been good at grieving. The temptation to stuff things and just go on while never really dealing with it runs deep in me. I often sport a just “grin and bear it” mentality.

There’s the more personal and emotional aspect of all this, dealing with the changes my body has undergone, which is too vulnerable for me to elaborate on at this point. I am not okay with these changes. I know that at some point, I will have to be. But, today, I am not there. Not yet.

I am grateful for James, who is more of a “the glass is half full” kind of guy, continually reminding me how far I’ve come and encouraging me to keep going. He helps balance me out with his loving support and kindness.

I am also really grateful for friends who continue to encourage me and offer words of wisdom and truth. After I painfully shared some of my grieving heart with a dear friend, she gently, yet passionately reminded me of the beauty the Lord is bringing about in me. Beauty that in my grief, I am blind to. But, she said something so sweet, about how God was making me a new skin.

The pain in getting that skin has been, and is still, great. But the hope of newness… that is priceless and sweet. It is a hope I can carry around with me, even though I am not able to see the beauty at this point.

The following scripture has been displayed in my bathroom for the last month. Each time I’ve read it, I’ve experienced a mixture of emotions. But, oh, how I want this:

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh (tender hearts of love for your God). Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God. Ezekiel 11:19-20

*Sigh. Yes, this I want.

I can rest in this hope. The hope that He can, and He is renewing me. Although I am powerless to do such a thing, He isn’t!

This year, I pray that He will give each of us a new heart! May we come to know Him with a new heart and new spirit!

Happy New Year!

The last few weeks have been spent sitting and standing hunched over with the use of my walker. James and Sam think I need to enter a race with it! As I have grown more flexible, I would walk around the house without it, which tickled everyone. They said I looked like I was trying to sneak up on someone.

Last week’s doctor appointment brought great news: I’ve graduated from the walker, and she wants me to slowly start the process of standing upright! I was surprised to feel how taut the muscles are, it will take some time to stretch them out. Instead of a “V” Shape, I am more of a sideways “C”, but I am improving daily. She warned me to expect some back pain. It was odd, but nice to walk out of her office without the use of my walker. She expects for me to be able to drive within the next few weeks! Yes, folks! I will soon be back on the roads! I am most excited about being able to sleep in my own bed.

In the next few month or so, we will be discussing other minor procedures that will need to be done in the coming months to finish this process. We hope to have it completed by the end of this year. I am so ready to be done with all things medical, but I know I have much to be grateful for. I am thankful for my healing and that I am here living this messy and crazy life with my family.

We’ve had a couple talks with our surgeon about what happened during the end of my hospital stay. We are encouraged that she is addressing the issue, although at this time it is not clear how the mistake was made. But, she has already implemented steps to insure it doesn’t happen again, at least not on her watch! We are grateful for her apologetic reaction, that she has owned the mistake and addressed it! We hope it will help future patients receive the best possible care.

I have been conversing back and forth with another survivor, who is about six months ahead of me on her journey. She was doing backwards somersaults in the pool last weekend! At this stage, standing straight feels like a huge accomplishment, I can’t even imagine doing somersaults! Hearing her story encourages me to hope!

The kids and James have continued to lovingly take care of me. Going into this, I worried about how this would affect their day to day life. They have amazed me with how well they have handled it, and how faithfully and selflessly they have served me. They have walked alongside me with much grace, and I am so very proud of each of them. Tissue, anyone? My cup runneth over.

Bravery

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

A while back, a sweet friend brought us dinner, and we were able to sneak in a short visit. She mentioned something about me being brave. I immediately denied it; most of what I have faced, I did not choose. The alternative would be to do nothing, which wouldn’t solve anything.

Several times, I’ve played our conversation over in my head, thinking about bravery. When she said it I thought of all the faces of the people I’ve met through this journey fighting cancer. I have met some amazing people, people who desperately want to live and are fighting to do so. For many it is a fight to the death.

There’s a famous John Wayne quote, “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”

Bravery means courageous behavior. Courage is defined as, “The ability to do something that frightens one.” And, “Strength in the face of pain or suffering.”

Ahh.. Okay, maybe I am braver than I give myself credit for. Much of this cancer journey has been downright scary. Many times over, I have had to step in a direction that was absolutely terrifying, my whole being wanted to be anywhere but here. It is only God who has sustained me, and made my path secure and enabled me to proceed.

Just out of sheer logistics, I’ve had to give up fears because I couldn’t carry them! I’ve been forced to trust in ways I never would have naturally yielded to.

Another friend I’ve been privileged to get to know on this journey is still fighting hard. Her walk has not been easy, she has had many attacks along the way. She equates it to fighting giants, walking by faith and uses 1 Samuel 17 as encouragement: “Giants try to rise up, but ‘this walk’ carries much victory on the horizon. Our God is awesome and the world needs to know that, so I live to praise Him for each step, no matter how slowly that progress seems! I am feeding the giants to the birds as I walk along!”

Feeding the giants to the birds! Amen!

1 Samuel 17: 45-47: …’You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head….and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

God is delivering me from fear. I have long carried a lifetime struggle with fear and worry. They have been constant companions, and I’ve been considered a bona fide worry wart. However, I am shedding that title, getting rid of those companions, and He is clothing me in something much more beautiful. I am learning to trust the Father, and he is giving me strength in the way of trust and faith. I am still a (messy) work in progress; there are many miles more to go on this journey, but I am confident that He will finish the work He began. For that, I am grateful, and I am encouraged to bravely keep going.

If you are facing a giant today, I encourage you to seek the Lord, that He would enable you to feed them to the birds!

Psalm 17:
Show me the wonder of your great love,
you who save by your right hand
those who take refuge in you from their foes.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings
from the wicked who assail me,
from my mortal enemies who surround me.

May the Lord bless you and keep you,

Sarah