Sarah Denman

3 down, 3 to go! We can do it!

Each chemo round has been different than the one before. It’s hard to know what to expect.

Going into this round was definitely  more emotional than the last two. I found myself crying on the way in; I asked James if we could play hooky and go do something fun instead.

It was fun to dream about what we would do with a whole day to ourselves, but of course, we went in for treatment; it was a quiet chemo day. Our favorite nurse and the head nurse were on vacation, their presence was sorely missed; the day was much quieter and the room felt sad. It may have been that I was sad to be there.

Friday, I awoke without fever but with some swelling and flushed. I spent a couple hours in the infusion room getting fluids, anti- nausea meds and my neulasta shot. My friend Jean was there getting fluids as well. It was bittersweet to visit with her. I am grateful to have someone walking through this with, who understands, yet I hate that she has to go through it. She’s had a tougher go of it; she’s struggled  through all sorts of weird side effects. We were seated next to a really sweet older woman who has incurable cancer named Sarah. During our last round we met an older lady named Judy who has a terminal form of ovarian cancer.

Everyone in the chemo room has a story and I have found my heart drawn to love them. You wonder what brought them there. Each one is fighting their own battle and not that we are to compare but it makes me realize mine could be so much worse. If you think of these ladies please say a prayer for them, I know God is at work in their lives. I haven’t felt pressed to say much to them but have been blessed to be able to listen to them, hear their story and then add them to my prayers. I am hopeful God will use these encounters as a means to love them.  My heart hurts for the pain I see. Most of the people we’ve encountered are older but this round there were a few younger patients that I did not get to visit with.

Saturday I woke up feeling okay. This is drastically different than the last round. The only thing we’ve done differently is add some extra pre meds, plus I know several of you have been faithfully lifting us in prayer.

I am cautiously optimistic that my energy will last and I won’t drop. I also know that I may drop, and I am learning to be okay with that. It is humbling, and I’ve had some emotional days of struggling through some of this. I am grateful that He is combatting these emotions with Truth. I am grateful for James who lets me process but also helps expose lies that try to take root and continues to speak truthfully to me. He has been a true friend through this; I can’t imagine not having him by my side. I am grateful for his faithful love.

In the beginning of this process I had so many worries, concerns and practical decisions to make. Most revolved around caring for my children, being sick, housing. The Lord has provided every step of the way. He has been gentle with me. Many of you have been used to show kindness, grace and love to us in mighty ways; our hearts are truly grateful. Thank you for being willing to love us, to reach out to us in the midst of your own busyness and struggles. We feel very loved. We appreciate the prayers and all the words of encouragement. They are truly priceless and have spoken truth to our hearts and lifted us up. The timeliness of things coming our way has truly been amazing.

Our hearts are full and our cup runneth over. God is good.

On a lighter note:
I think it’s official, I’m going bald… It’s taking longer and longer to wash my face in the mornings. 🙂

Around the time I was diagnosed I was driving and my thoughts were in a whirl. There was so much to consider, I was worried about the kids, death and sickness, and all the crazy thoughts that a person experiences when they hear cancer.

The thought that I would really like to have a family picture taken before all the treatments started flitted through my heart. I very quickly dismissed it; too much effort, time, money… I did not mention this thought to anyone.

Within a week I received an email from Aisha Seay.  She was asking if she could give our family a free photo shoot.

What?! I was amazed.

Within a week of that I received another email from another photographer asking if she could do a free photo shoot of our family.

Whoa. Really? It brought tears to my eyes.

Okay, God. I see you’re trying to show me your love for me. Not only does he keep providing the practical things; financial, food, housing, medical help, etc.,  he heard my heart, my secret heart’s desire. It wasn’t a need, it was just a Mom’s want. It seemed trivial, and yet He honored it and loved me with fulfilling it.

I am grateful for both of these photographers, for their generous hearts and willingness to listen to God’s guidance. They could not have known my hearts desire but they were connected to it by God’s whisper and they followed it.

We met on a beautiful weekday evening at Stagecoach park. Aisha had picked out some spots and went to work! We had fun, the kids were surprised as they were not exactly keen on the idea of taking pictures (they’ve been followed around by my camera quite a bit-LOL!) but each one chose to have a good attitude out of love for me. Afterwards they all stated how fun it was!

Here is a link to those pictures:

https://www.dropbox.com/l/wYg9FoKnmvUXhNwTjx1ZHc?

Cursed is the one who trusts in man,

who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.

He will be like a bush in the wastelands;

he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17: 5-8

God is good. All of the time.

A friend shared that scripture with me. This is right where God has me, where he has been working on my heart. Back in January our neighbor shared with us how God was encouraging  her heart about not to not have roots in this life and her circumstances, but to have them in Him.

Her comment struck a chord with me; I too have been on that journey.

He is delivering me from fear of man into Trusting in Him. He is gently leading me in this direction.

I have always been fascinated by trees and their roots; so often in scripture,  literature, and movies there is much emphasis put on trees. Out of sheer laziness I haven’t really pursued the meaning behind all of it, but there is something about trees has always captured my heart. I know there has been a truth lurking there, waiting for me.

This past year or so God has been gently taking control away from me. He has been teaching me to let go; to go with the flow as I often I tell my kids.  I have laughed (you laugh or you cry; laughing is more fun) when well thought out plans have gone awry. I have joked that we should just do everything spontaneous since none of our plans seem to work out. I remember many occasions when a whole week of plans went splat and NOTHING we had planned turned out. These ended up being fabulous times and just what we needed but not because of any of my input.

And yet, I continue to plan and plot.

There is a Proverb about this; 16:9, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.“

His ways are not our ways. His ways are better!

Several things he has or is gently taking away from me; my house, my health, leadership of some groups, my services, some expectations and some fears and so much more.

He is replacing these things with his provision, we have not been in want, faith; I am learning to seek Him, I am learning to receive, to open my hands and my heart to Him and to those of you he has surrounded me with. He is molding my expectations, my heart is becoming softer, and I hope I am becoming gentler. He is giving me His peace that passes all understanding, and I am learning to lean on Him.

My roots are slowly growing and finally in the right source! May they grow deep and strong! May I be like that tree that is not swayed by the wind or the storm, who does not fear when the drought comes.

Lately it’s been a gamble, I either wake up really early or I get to sleep in a bit.

I can’t say which I prefer. For obvious reasons I am a fan of sleeping in any capacity and always grateful when my body allows me to rest.

On the other hand, the mornings that I wake early always turn into a sweet time. Sometimes I read, sometimes I journal, sometimes someone joins me for a morning talk. The house is quiet, and I can usually gather my thoughts.

Since James updated the Friday after my last chemo I’ve wanted to update often; but I have been unable to actually formulate what was on my heart into words.

Getting used to life with chemo has had its fair share of challenges. Our doctor told us Thursday right before chemo that we shouldn’t have any surprises with round 2.

Um…

Waking up with chills and fever at 3:30 am the next day constitutes as a surprise in my book.  A friend had prayed for no side effects this round, and I remember laying there praying and thinking, “God, her faith!?” and the chills stopped. In mid shake they just stopped. James was out of the room trying to find the thermometer, when he got back I told him they had stopped, to just come back to bed. I laid in bed for the next few hours thinking. A couple hours later I had a fever of 102.2 but wasn’t shaking like I had in the middle of the night.

I am not sure what all that means. In addition to the fever, I was swollen and flushed red. Advil took my fever down but not the swelling or redness. Grace told me, “Mom, your eyes aren’t open all the way.”

We spent a good portion of that day in the Oncology Infusion room. They did several tests and gave me fluids and a concoction of things to battle the reaction I was having. Mostly I slept while James watched me. A dear friend asked if she could relieve James, I told her that James couldn’t be pried away! He has been my steady shoulder to lean on; he doesn’t let me get by with much.

The following few days were pretty much a blur of me laying around.

There is a scripture that plays over and over in my head. It is the story of the invalid, Jesus asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

YES!!! I want to be well. I want to live. I want to be part of the life that is swirling around me. I am learning to appreciate the small things; things that I have been guilty of taking for granted.

My nephew actually helped open my eyes to some of this.

I LOVE my niece and my nephews, they add so much joy to my heart; they are full of life, and I am always happy to be around them. When all the cousins get together, they make the sweetest chaos, and I revel in it! I may be partial, but they’re super neat kids who always make me smile. I could go on and on about each of them.

While picking up our kids after a recent doctor appointment, my nephew Jayden asked me to push him on the swing. Of course, even though I was tired, I could not say no, so he climbed on the swing, and I started pushing him. He started pumping his legs, and soon he was soaring high.

Surprised at how well he was doing, I said, “Jay! You have this swing thing down!”

“I know, you taught me at your house.”

“You remember that?!”

He proceeded to tell me in great detail about our swing set with the playhouse on it and how I had taught him to swing. He has a better memory than I do!

“Aunt Sarah, I need more gas!” was his cute way of saying, “push me more!”

I walked away refreshed. Something seemingly so little created a sweet memory in his life.This has tickled my heart over and over.

I get so busy doing, doing and going to the next thing that I often fail to live in the moment and grasp the joy of the simple things that truly matter; like teaching my nephew to swing. That is important. Why do I let things like to-do lists and busy work rob me of these simple joys?

This last weekend a dear childhood friend was married. I was blessed to be able to stand with her. We were uncertain that I would be able to make it, especially after my hard reaction to chemo, but I was pleasantly surprised that I made it. Everyone took good care of me, and I mostly held the chairs down, but I was there. She was radiant, beautiful and happy. It blessed my heart to be there with her.

A dear friend encouraged me early on in this process. Even though she is fighting cancer, she realized the importance of seizing the day. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but we each have THIS day to make the most of it.

We are so glad to get another chemo day behind us. It was pretty much uneventful. The best part of the day was when the doctor did his exam, he had his ruler in hand ready to measure. Then he said…”There is nothing here to measure!” Pretty cool. He said in the past without the drug perjeta you could expect maybe a 10% decrease. But now they have been recording results like Sarah’s where it just disappears. This will most likely mean no radiation later on.

Today (day after chemo) we expected to be like last time. A Sarah full of energy and little to no side effects. But no. We still have not found that normal ground yet.

She woke up with chills and a slight fever at 3:30 am, and by 7:30 a fever of 102.2. Crazy. Next she had that rash that covered her day 11 back. It covered her from wrist to hip. She felt weak and tired and a little nausea.

Fortunately we were already supposed to go get the booster shot at 10:45. When we arrived, I told Coleen (super nice head nurse) what was going on. Coleen went into action. I think she gave her 5-6 bags of different fluids, some with medicine. She is doing better but tired.

We appreciate and feel all your prayers.

I am trying to take this losing my hair thing in stride. I have had a few breathless moments but overall I have been at peace with it. Oddly enough it comes as almost a relief as I had been waiting for it to happen. It is a visual aid of what has to be going on internally; I can envision the chemo attacking the cancer cells. Bam, bam! Take that, shrivel up and die!!! HA!

Though it has been a gradual process, I can say that one can never be prepared for losing their hair. I suppose it is a minor side effect in the grand scheme of things. There are many emotional ties, at least from my girlie perspective, that have had to be reckoned with. To run my hand through my hair and have it come back with a handful of hair is an indescribable sensation. Part of me wonders if losing it all at once would have been easier; kind of like pulling a band aid off fast instead of slowly picking at it. Each day my hair became thinner and more scraggly, slowly bald spots appeared. I have a lot of hair thanks to my Italian blood so the process has been slow.

On Sunday, I finally asked James to buzz it; I am officially without hair. It is a weird sensation. I keep wanting to brush hair out of my face, or tuck it behind me ear. Looking in the mirror brings an initial shock. I am sure with time I will get used to this new phase.

The kids have had mixed reactions to this process. My oldest (Grace) had the hardest time adjusting to my hair loss. She has always loved my hair. After a couple days, she decided that bald looks good on me. Sam (the youngest) was initially upset about the prospect of me being bald, time has done its thing and he has grown okay with it. Sam and Jessi had fun pulling wisps out before we decided to buzz. Jessi enjoyed cutting the final 6 inches off; like a true stylist she actually made it look decent before the final buzz.

I have decided to have fun with the baldness. We’ve been telling terrible bald jokes; they make us laugh all the same! If you know of any, please do share! II’ve decided I am going to rock being bald. 🙂

As additional plus, you can’t beat not shaving for a couple months! My legs are smoother than they normally would be! Showers will be much quicker and hey, I don’t have to buy shampoo or conditioner for a while.

I will leave you with one of our terrible knock-knock jokes:

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Addair!
Addair who?
Addair but now it’s gone!

Gratefully,