Sarah Denman

Our hearts are heavy. We met with a Radiologist Oncologist. We went in expecting it to be an in and out visit; he was supposed to be awed by how great I had responded to treatment and send us on our merry way (Can you picture naive Pollyanna dancing around?).

Um, no. Enter harsh reality.

He did agree that I have responded well to treatment. However, after examining me, he told us that the tumor was still there. We were completely surprised and dismayed to hear this but he showed us, we could feel it. He did concede, after James told him our oncologist said it was gone, that it is possible that it could be damaged tissue from the tumor. But it is in the exact spot and shape of the tumor so it is highly suspicious.

He went over our pathology report with us and drew some pictures so we could better understand what was going on. He also showed us some illustrations from a book. I would say we have unveiled another layer of understanding this thing.

I wanted to scream.

I think I have been downplaying the seriousness of it, in my mind we had already whipped it; I have been ready to move on (sweet Pollyanna). This meeting was a major downer. We learned a bit more about how aggressive this cancer is; the fact that it had broken out of the ducts and had spread to the lymph nodes does not speak kindly of the cancer. The characteristics of the cancer are not friendly, they do not look like the original cell much. They’ve distorted at an alarming rate.

Stupid cancer. My body is not a play ground for their antics, it is not home for them.Continue Reading

The morning before our chemo appointment James and I were sipping coffee on the back porch. I love those times with him. We realized that we had both been thinking and praying and hoping that this could be our last chemo day. The last two rounds have been really hard on this ol’ body of mine, we’ve witnessed my strength and energy ebbing away and it has been discouraging.

We can’t imagine going through 3 more rounds of this. We’ve both been wondering since I’ve had such good results (i.e. the tumor has shrunk) if we could call it good with chemo. There isn’t an exact protocol for just 4 rounds of my regimen, typically if you just do four rounds of this they switch you to another regimen for x amount of additional rounds. Of course, I don’t want to switch to another type of drugs, different side effects for additional time. I am just ready to be done to start healing and recovering.

Imagine our amazement when the doctor sat down with us and immediately started asking about whether I could continue with chemo! He asked if I felt like my body could continue. How do you answer? How do you know what your body can handle? James was able to express his observations and concerns with the doctor; it was refreshing to have him listen and act on our concerns.Continue Reading

I have been feeling like I have reached the challenging part of my marathon; the place in the run when you start wondering what you signed up for and how the heck you’re going to finish. Your legs start to shake, they feel like boards or rocks; your’e tired, hungry, thirsty, discouraged as you look upon the long stretch left before you…

I have never actually run a marathon but I have cheered friends through several. Being a spectator and a friend I have been privileged to witness their struggle; somewhere around mile 16-17 we always start wondering what drives all these crazy runners onward. We’ve questioned their saneness a time or two! 🙂

It is always exhilarating to witness their completion; the emotional and physical triumph as they cross the finish line is palatable and somewhat contagious. You walk away intoxicated, sharing in their sense of accomplishment, wondering if maybe you, too should sign up for a marathon.

I have never followed through, I have not been convinced to put in the work of training and then running a marathon.

Yet, I have unwillingly found myself on my own private, different kind of marathon. I caught myself wondering, in the wee hours, the other morning, “How the heck did we get here? How did we get cancer, how did I end up bald and going through all this? How?!”

I have been struggling through some emotional parts of this stupid disease. Wondering, did God give it? If so, why? He is a good God, all of the time. This has been on continual loop in my heart. How to reconcile this with whether he gave this, allowed it or what? Several scriptures have been given to me and I still do not have a conclusion.Continue Reading

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not your life more important than food,
and the body more important than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air;
they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,
and yet your Heavenly father feeds them.
Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
Matthew 6:15-26

I sit here humbled and grateful.

He has provided more abundantly than I ever would have wished or hoped for.

We moved in on Saturday  and I feel that I am sitting in a safe haven. This place is a gift from some dear people who have soft hearts; who gave to strangers in our time of need.

My heart is full of all sorts of emotions, I am processing so much.

James and I both feel like this is a priceless gift; we feel more relaxed and able to rest than we have in some time. As if just being here has given us the freedom to let down. It is so hard to explain, but it is clear that God is at work. He has been gracious and kind to us.

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded  by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders  and the sin that so easy entangles us, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Over the weekend Grace was sick with a sore throat. She told me,”Mom, now I know how you feel.”

While we were sitting on the back porch talking she shared a very adequate view of how I feel, “My heart and my soul want to go go but my body says, ‘wait  for me!'”

Yes! Exactly.

My body has been itching to go and very frustrated with the lack of ability to act on that.

I am not used to such a sedentary lifestyle. I have found that I actually miss working out; and to think I always thought I hated it! There is something refreshing about getting your heart pumping and moving! Exercise has always been a tool used to renew energy on my part. An introvert at heart, I have enjoyed those times of inner reflection, my head always feels clearer, and my mood always felt renewed after a session. To have this stripped away has left a hole. Even though I wasn’t super good at it, I really miss playing soccer, something about chasing that ball around a field seems to have a way of setting the world right again. My heart aches to be active again.

I know this time of rest  is but for a season. There are aspects of it that I am enjoying and appreciating and hope to maintain.  There are so many lessons wrapped in it, I hope to keep the integrity of what He is teaching me. I am absorbing much, but I know I have much more to grasp, much room to grow.

I am grateful he is patient with me and that he has cushioned this time with love and support and yes, even rest, time to be still, time to heal and to grow in His truths.

(Jen, your heart and mine were in sync again, this scripture was already on my heart ; I even journaled it and then you sent it to me! Isn’t that precious?!)

Psalms 62:1-2,5,8 & 11

My soul finds rest in God alone;
My salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will never be shaken….
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him….
Trust in him at ALL times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to him,
For God is our refuge.
One thing God has spoken,
Two things have I heard:
That you, O God, are strong,
And that you, O Lord, are loving…